


Renewal

by walkalittleline



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: I still cannot write summaries to save my life but it’s just fluff, M/M, episode 72 spoilers!!, it’s just tea and hugs y’all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-07-20 15:56:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19994845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/walkalittleline/pseuds/walkalittleline
Summary: “You don’t regret it, do you?” Caduceus says. Fjord glances over to see him frowning faintly, head tilted to one side.“No,” Fjord replies with a shake of his head. “No, I don’t… I don’t regret trying to get rid of all this. I do regret not being of any help now.”“That’s not true,” Caduceus says sternly. “You’re not defined by what power you may or may not have, Fjord.”





	Renewal

The wind is brisk and cold through the mountains around them as they make camp, the sun settling low between the craggy peaks half swallowed up by clouds and mist in the distance. Fjord keeps back as Caleb sets about building a fire with the sparse kindling Nott and Caduceus have gathered from the surrounding scrub, only moving forward to the low, crackling flame when the rest of them have formed a circle around it and begun to pass around food. Caduceus flashes a warm smile in his direction as he sits, Fjord brushing snow away from the rock before taking the seat between him and Beau.

“Alright, Mister Fjord?” he says as he begins digging tea leaves and his delicate teapot out of his bag. He scoops some clean, white snow into the pot and sets it near the flame to heat, eyes meeting Fjord’s again as he sits back. He’s still smiling faintly, bright and proud in a way that makes Fjord squirm under his skin. He’s not used to having someone look at him that way. Not since Vandran anyway.

“Yes, I’m… alright,” Fjord replies. His accent feels strangely foreign on his tongue after not using it for so long. He has had to stop himself from slipping back into the deception again throughout the day when he’s not thinking about it.

“Good,” Caduceus says, smile widening so much his eyes crinkle. “That’s good. Would you like some tea?”

“Oh. Yes, I suppose that would be nice,” Fjord mutters, giving him a stiff, faltering smile. He stares down at his hands, trying not to let the panic that’s been threatening to dig its way into his chest since the night before take hold. Every time he remembers the sight of the sword sinking into the molten rock his pulse quickens fearfully. He’s terrified of going to sleep tonight, feeling small and vulnerable and exposed more than ever before.

“Fjord?”

He jumps at the light touch on his arm, gaze snapping up to Caduceus, who’s watching him closely and holding out a steaming teacup towards him.

“Oh,” Fjord says distractedly, “thank you, Caduceus.”

Caduceus merely smiles reassuringly by way of response before pouring his own cup of tea. He sets the pot aside and blows gently at the steam curling up from the clear, reddish tea, closing his eyes and humming contentedly as he takes a sip. Fjord hesitates a moment before mirroring him, wincing as the liquid nearly scalds his tongue and the back of his throat. The flavor is pleasant though, delicate and floral.

“Really though,” Caduceus says, lowering his voice and tilting his head towards Fjord with a look of concern. “Are you okay?”

Fjord glances around at the others, Beau next to him gnawing at what looks like part of a squirrel taken from the Dusts, Nott and Jester chattering about something on the other side of the fire, Caleb sitting mutely on Beau’s other side, expression blank and eyes fixed on the dancing flames.

“Perhaps… later?” Fjord says, looking up onto Caduceus’ worried expression. “Maybe not around the others yet.”

Caduceus’ gaze softens kindly and he nods, patting Fjord on the shoulder before returning to sipping his tea with a familiar serene look. He doesn’t bring it up the rest of the evening, though when Fjord volunteers for first watch he almost immediately chimes in to say he’ll join. 

They lower the fire as the rest of them gather in the now white dome, barely visibly against the blanket of snow draped across the mountainside. They’re backed against the nearest mountain, the wide valley spread out below them, speckled with spindly pine trees, their boughs weighed heavy with snow. Caduceus settles back on the ground with his back to the fire so he can look across the valley, a fresh cup of tea clutched in his hands and his legs folded under him in a way that Fjord still can’t manage to duplicate with pulling something. 

Fjord pokes at the fire with a stick one final time before sinking down beside him, tucking his hands together in his lap against the chill night air. The sky overhead is darkening rapidly, a clear, deep blue littered with pinpricks of light now that the previous night’s storm has passed. The warmth of the fire behind them soaks into his back, though he still can’t stop from shivering when a stiff, icy wind blows through the valley.

“Tea?” Caduceus says, not waiting for an answer before pouring Fjord another cup and handing it to him with a smile.

Fjord mutters a thanks, enjoying the warmth of the fragile porcelain cup against his skin. He inhales the fragrant steam, closing his eyes and blowing on it gently before taking a careful sip. He tries to focus on the feeling of warmth that spreads through his belly rather than the insistent knot of panic churning in his stomach, taking a deep breath and looking out over the valley.

“Are you alright?” Caduceus says.

Fjord can feel his eyes on him, keen and concerned, and he knows there’s no point in trying to lie to him.

“I don’t know,” he mutters, shaking his head. “I’m… scared. What if he’s here again when I fall asleep?” He breathes in deeply through his nose to will away the rising dread in his chest. “Those dreams are… not pleasant.”

“I know,” Caduceus says sympathetically. “He’s not  _ really _ here though. He can’t hurt you out here. Not physically at least. I know that’s probably not the concern but… we’ll keep you safe, Fjord.”

Fjord smiles, though it feels more like a grimace, and takes another sip of tea. He feels useless. What good is he to any of them without his spells or his sword? He can’t fight like this. Despite Caduceus’ insistence otherwise, he still feels like a liability. A burden they’ll all have to bear until he can pull himself back together.  _ If  _ he can. He’s still not sure what he’s going to do.

“You don’t regret it, do you?” Caduceus says. Fjord glances over to see him frowning faintly, head tilted to one side.

“No,” Fjord replies with a shake of his head. “No, I don’t… I don’t regret trying to get rid of all this. I do regret not being of any help now.”

“That’s not true,” Caduceus says sternly. “You’re not defined by what power you may or may not have, Fjord.”

"Easy for you to say," Fjord says with more bite than he intends. He clears his throat sheepishly and continues, "What I mean is... you still have your powers. You're still useful."

" _ You _ are useful," Caduceus says firmly. "And you shouldn't value your worth on what powers you have or how useful you are. You're a good person, Fjord. That's what you should place your worth on, if anything."

Fjord laughs humorlessly. "I'm not sure that's a good measure, either, if I'm honest," he mumbles, looking down into his tea, the slow curl of steam off the surface dissipating into nothing.

"You  _ are _ good, Fjord," Caduceus says gently. 

"I lied to all of you," Fjord says, eyes still fixed on his tea, his own scared reflection staring back at him. "For months I lied to you. I could still be lying to you for all you know."

"You're not," Caduceus says simply. His hand comes to rest on Fjord's wrist where his free hand is still laying loose in his lap. His skin is cool from the surrounding air, his fingers long and slender, pale grey against Fjord's own dark skin.

"You're not a bad man, Fjord," he continues. "You were scared and you were trying to protect yourself. And us, I imagine. But look what you did. You took a step in the right direction and no one made you do that. You did that all on your own. You're taking your destiny into your own hands and that... that alone is something to be proud of."

He smiles at Fjord with that same look of impressed pride he had the night before, bright and optimistic, and something sick and guilty turns in Fjord's stomach, a thick lump rising in his throat. He looks back down into the rapidly cooling tea again, swallowing hard, hating how exposed he feels, both literally and metaphorically, under his gaze.  _ Unworthy _ , he thinks. That's what he is. Undeserving of the concern he's received from the rest of them, Caduceus and Jester specifically, after how long he's been lying to them all. 

Caduceus especially, putting so much faith in him when he barely knows him. He doesn't understand why Caduceus trusts him—trusts any of them, really—as easily as he does. Fjord had always thought him a little strange when they'd first met, hadn't understood how he could be so open and honest without any reservation no matter who they were speaking to. How quick he was to place his faith in strangers. Lately, though, he's found himself more impressed by it than wary given how well it has worked out for them in the end. He hadn't been lying when he'd told Caduceus he was inspired by him. 

"This is supposed to be about your destiny, though. Not mine," he says quietly, running his thumb along the rim of his cup. There's a tiny chip in the porcelain, rough and sharp against his skin, but otherwise it's still somehow in pristine condition. 

"And who's to say they aren't one and the same?" Caduceus says, giving him that same indulgent smile when Fjord frowns up at him. "I was brought to all of you as much as you were brought to me. If my part to play in all of this is helping you find a new path I'd say that's a worthy use of my time."

"But your family," Fjord says incredulously. "Your home. Aren't you worried about that?"

"Of course I'm worried," Caduceus replies calmly. "But worrying doesn’t change anything. Besides, where I'm needed now is here with all of you. You all had enough faith in me to follow me here to help me, it'd be selfish of me not to do the same for you."

Fjord can't help but let out a quiet scoff of disbelief under his breath. He doesn't think Caduceus has a single selfish bone in his body.  He sighs and takes a fortifying gulp of tea, draining the cup before setting it down between them in the snow. Caduceus' hand is still resting on his wrist, warm now from the contact. It’s pleasantly grounding, comforting.

“Thank you,” Fjord mutters. He pats the back of Caduceus’ hand awkwardly, wincing when Caduceus chuckles.

“Alright, come here,” he says, setting his own cup aside before wrapping his arms around Fjord’s shoulders and hugging him against his chest.

Fjord stiffens in surprise, shoulders hunched and cheek squashed uncomfortably against Caduceus’ collarbone.

“Relax,” Caduceus says, sounding amused. “It’s a hug, Fjord, it’s not going to kill you.” His voice rumbles warm in his chest as he speaks, the sound vibrating pleasantly against Fjord’s cheek. 

He sighs and wills himself to relax, closing his eyes and leaning more fully against Caduceus’ chest when he hums and squeezes him around the shoulders.

“There you go,” Caduceus murmurs. He pats Fjord firmly on the shoulder before sliding his broad hand down his back. “I promise we’ll figure this out, Fjord. First things first, we’ll get you a new sword. Then I think we need to have a long talk with the Wildmother.”

“You think she’ll take someone like me?” Fjord says, hoping he doesn’t sound as anxious about the prospect as he feels.

“She takes all kinds,” Caduceus replies, his chin resting on top of Fjord’s head. The low sound of his voice is warm and lulling in Fjord’s ear where it’s pressed against his chest. “I assure you, she’ll be happy to welcome you into the fold.” He leans back so he can smile down at Fjord. “And so will I. If that’s what you want.”

“I think it is,” Fjord says, nodding. “I just… might need a little help.”

Caduceus beams and pulls him into another crushing hug. Fjord lets him easily this time, hesitantly lifting his own arms to wrap loosely around Caduceus’ middle and patting stiffly at his back. Caduceus lets out a hum of approval and squeezes him a little tighter against his chest before relaxing his grip and simply holding Fjord against him. He doesn’t let go, and Fjord doesn’t try to pull away, though he knows Caduceus would let him if he did. He doesn’t really want to, though, not yet. 

He can’t remember how long it’s been since someone has hugged him like this. It takes a few seconds for him to realize that it reminds him starkly of how he’s felt in his dreams lately. The good ones, at least. Safe, warm, surrounded by a comforting presence that eases some of the panic and vulnerability from his chest.

“It’s gonna work out just fine,” Caduceus says with a cheerful confidence Fjord finds himself growing increasingly envious of. 

He smiles, though, tightening his arms more firmly around Caduceus to hug him properly as he turns his words over in his head. He thinks, for the first time, he might actually believe them.

**Author's Note:**

> fjuck, y’all, that episode, huh


End file.
